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As you may know from a previous post, public restrooms are not my favorite place. Aside from the obvious ick factor, they are often unaccommodating for little ones.
Now that our older two kids are tall enough to reach the sink and navigate their restroom needs on their own, a different problem is happening with public restrooms; the fact that they want to go by themselves.
As a dad with girls ages 8 and 5, I am sure you can understand my apprehension about having them come in with me to the men’s restroom. I suspect a mom with boys of those ages has similar concerns. They are old enough to know that boys and girls have different body parts and, while it’s unlikely they will see anything they shouldn’t, it can be a little uncomfortable for both parents and children.
It can also be uncomfortable for others in the bathroom. A friend of mine wrote about his experience recently when a man told him his young daughter shouldn’t be in the men’s restroom.
But what do you do?
If I don’t have to go, I let the older two go into the ladies restroom by themselves. I stand outside the only door they can exit where I can hear them if they need some help (and yes, I would go in if they called me). This way, I can also catch them if someone tries to kidnap them.
If I have to go, though, they come in with me.
At their ages, this is awkward. Once, a mom thoughtfully offered to take our daughters into the restroom with her. She overheard them saying, “Dad, we’ll just wait out here for you,” and me replying, “No, you have to come in with me.” The mom, who was just entering the women’s bathroom with her two girls politely said, “I can take them in here.”
Now, she probably thought that the girls were the ones who needed to go. If that were the case, I would have been fine with it because I could have stood outside the door and waited for them. However, I was the one who had to go. I didn’t think it was safe to leave them alone outside the restroom or let them go into the ladies room with a stranger while I was in the men’s room.
I kindly declined her offer and ushered the girls into the men’s room.
Thirty years ago when my brother and I were about the same ages as my daughters are now, my mom stopped taking us into the ladies room with her. I’m not sure that it’s the right age in today’s world.
All I do know is that at some point soon they will have to stop coming in to the men’s room with me.
Until then, I think I’ll start just holding it until we get home.
Al Watts is the vice-president of Daddyshome, Inc. – The National At-Home Dad Network and an at-home dad of four children living in west Omaha.
Copyright ©2010 Omaha World-Herald®. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, displayed or redistributed for any purpose without permission from the Omaha World-Herald.
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10 Comments
Posted by: Angela A on 07/28/10 @ 8:15 am:
This is a scary thing to think about! My son is 3 and we are in the middle of potty training so he always goes in with me and have not thought about what about when he is 5 or 6 or 8? How long do you give the child to come out until you call in to see if they are okay? I like the places that have the family restrooms.
I have to add something else while talking about restrooms, what is with places that do not have diaper changing stations???? Shouldn't every restroom have this? I found myself at the Melting Pot (okay I agree it is not a kid friendly place but I have seen MULTIPLE people there with children!) when my son only a few months old and thank goodness I had the traveling cover because i had to put him on the floor to change him. Another Mom walked it and was just as surprised as I was! I allowed her to use the cover for her daughter too.
Posted by: Cat K on 07/28/10 @ 8:28 am:
I think it's different for every child/ family. Once they are in KIndergarten and using a "public" restroom by themselves - give them the freedom to do it. Having them wait for you? Send them to the ladies room to was their hands while you do your business. You'll likely be done and still waiting when they cone out. I have been that woman that helped a dad out by taking his little girl potty. He stood there trying to explain to the little girl how to do it by herself. The 5-6 year old was obviously nervous. She was fine having me help her and he seemed relieved. We are now seeing the trend of family restrooms - great for this situation!
Posted by: Stacey on 07/28/10 @ 9:47 am:
I think 8 is too old for a girl to go into a men's restroom. Granted I have never been in a men's restroom while there are men actually using it, but it seems that it's likely she will see or has seen something that has made her uncomfortable since men don't exclusively use private stalls. I think Cat's suggestion of sending the girls into the women's restroom to wash their hands and Dad hurrying to beat them out is probably the best idea. What a tough situation - I feel for you, Dad!
I have wondered when I should stop taking my sons into the women's restroom with me, but I'm not overly concerned about it either because we have stalls. The chances they will see something inappropriate is unlikely.
And I second Angela's thought on no changing stations in public restrooms! It is so frustrating when my 2 year old needs changed badly and I can't find a safe and sanitary place to do it. Often we end up changing diapers in the back of my SUV.
Posted by: Janelle on 07/28/10 @ 9:55 am:
I think Cat has a good idea, send them to the ladies room to wash their hands while you are in the mens room. And I'm going to throw this out there...depending on where you are, like maybe the grocery store, or a restaurant that's not over crowded, your 8 year old is probably old enough to hold your five year old's hand and the two of them wait just outside the restroom for you. If you were at a restaurant, you could probably even leave them at the table, maybe just tell the waitstaff or a person/group of people near you "just to keep an eye out".
I'm sure you're afraid of your children being snatched away, and the fact that it is unlikely and improbable doesn't calm any parent's fears, but also know that its unlikely someone is going to go to a public place with other people around and ****** a child. Your 8 year old is old enough to ask for help if she needs it, and keep an eye on her sister for less than five minutes.
Posted by: AlWatts on 07/28/10 @ 3:34 pm:
I do like Cat's suggestion, and I think I'll do that, but, Janelle, if I left the girls at the restaurant table or in the grocery store, how long would it be before someone came up to them and thought they were abandoned? A friend of mine left his kids buckled up in the car as he returned the grocery cart (something I do all the time) and when he returned a few seconds later, a woman was standing at his car about to call the cops about two kids left in a car alone. She also told him when he returned that he shouldn't do that.
In some cases, I believe it is safe enough to allow my girls to wait outside the bathroom for me but I am more worried about what OTHERS might think and do.
If most of you agree with the other comments, maybe I am just too paranoid.
Posted by: Lisa M on 07/29/10 @ 9:01 am:
"I'm sure you're afraid of your children being snatched away, and the fact that it is unlikely and improbable doesn't calm any parent's fears, but also know that its unlikely someone is going to go to a public place with other people around and ****** a child. Your 8 year old is old enough to ask for help if she needs it, and keep an eye on her sister for less than five minutes."
Janelle, you have vocalized my thoughts exactly. I think if you start empowering your 8-year-old with brief moments of trust like this it will help make her more confident and mature. And if you oldest is a typical oldest child, you already know she is trustworthy. Coaching the girls on what to do if a stranger approaches, staying together, etc. is a much more worthwhile endeavor them subjecting them to the men's room. Plus, as parents, we can't live our lives in fear of bad things happenning to our children at every turn. It isn't good for us, and it isn't good for them.
Posted by: John on 07/29/10 @ 3:53 pm:
Al, I remember the first time I sent my daughter into the women's room alone. I paced by the front of the restroom door and looked so tense I'm surprised nobody notified store security about the "weird guy by the women's restroom."
Posted by: (Anonymous) on 07/29/10 @ 10:24 pm:
Al as a mother of a 5 year old.. i too get nervous.. but you have an 8 year old and at 8 i *think* she would be ok and ur 5 year old would be ok being chaparoned by her.. etc.. family restrooms are def a great alternative.. u can send them in and have them lock the door AND wait for them.. we do this alot.. yes times are differant than when u and i were kids but we cant follow them in the bathrooms forever.. not to mention the embarrassment factor for your 8 year old... loosen up a tiny tiny bit and let them poor girls go to the bathroom by themselves/together... as for when u have to go well u should just wait till u get home haha.. jk.. family restrooms again do great here..
Posted by: Anonymous on 08/02/10 @ 11:09 am:
My daughter is 4 and I've always taken her into the men's room when the need arises. No one's ever said anything but even if they did it really wouldn't matter. My little princess' safety overrides some guy's sense of modesty.
Posted by: A Mom on 09/02/10 @ 2:05 am:
It seems difficult to find a good solution to this common problem, but maybe some simple lessons on bathroom etiquette would do the trick...instruct your girls that we don't talk to, stare at, or approach men peeing at the urinals and do what you feel is safe for your child. Boys have penises, girls have vaginas and it is not polite to stare at a boy or mans ***** as you walk through the bathroom. Kids usually deal well when we are matter of fact. As to the suggestion of sending your girls into the ladies while you go into the mens...I'd rather they wait immediately outside the door of the mens where they can shout for you if necessary. I'd hate for you to get out of the men's bathroom and then stand outside the women's becoming frantic if they don't quickly come out, wondering at what point you should invade to make sure they are ok and still in there!