I have five children. I wasn't pregnant five times and I don't have any multiples. Do the math.

I am a very proud stepmom.

However, being a stepmom is the most difficult job I have ever had or ever will have.

My bonus children, as I like to call them, live full-time with me and my husband. Their mother lives more than 600 miles away and, thus, I am the woman that's here with them.

I call to schedule doctor's appointments. I cook them dinner and help them clean their rooms. I drop them off and pick them up from school. I attend the parent-teacher conferences. I refill their medications and do the majority of their clothes shopping. I plan and host their birthday parties. I stay home to care for them when they are sick. All of these things a mother does, I do.

Does that list make me a parent? Hardly.

In preparation for my marriage and the blending of our big family about four years ago, I had many assumptions. I thought the ceremony of marriage would solidify not only my commitment to my husband but also to his children. I was disillusioned, to say the least, when we weren't automatically one big happy family.

The transition from a single mom of two to the matriarch of this gigantic family has been a tumultuous process. I've felt overwhelmed, stressed out, depressed and surprisingly angry.

I began asking myself where this anger comes from. The stress and overwhelming nature of raising a family of five children seemed normal. But the anger?

I was so blessed to have found a true and real love in my husband. I wasn't mad at him.

Then I looked in the eyes of my stepchildren. I felt so blessed to have them to love on. I wasn't mad at them either.

Finally, I looked at myself, and I did not like what I saw. I was searching and clawing for my place in this family. I wanted recognition and appreciation for all these new roles I had taken on.

Does anyone see how busy I am raising this family? Does anyone notice that I am taking on these extra roles with a smile on my face? What about the efforts I am making to keep the extended family in the loop? Doesn't this guarantee me unconditional devotion?

There's more.

I am also irrationally resentful that Zack has already shared these milestones with another woman. Granted, I was married before as well. But I think about how he’s already shared a honeymoon, a first place together, pregnancies, labor and deliveries, his children's first steps and first hair-cuts ... all with someone else. And I don't like it.

I have been resentful that I do all the day-to-day facets of being a mother, while Zack’s ex-wife is reaping the joys of the mother-child bond. I’ll never be “Mommy” to them, yet I feel like I have earned that title in many ways.

I am also very protective of my two daughters from my own previous marriage. I feel compelled to shower them with extra love because they have been through so much so young.

When I was done with this honest look at my own heart, I was appalled. At the anger. At the resentment. It's not at all what I expected to find.

I try now to take a few steps back and see this family from everyone’s perspective. My husband - working hard to provide for all seven of us, trusting me to care for his precious babies while he’s at work. The two bonus babes, missing their mom and looking to me to provide them the day-to-day love and guidance they need.

It’s not all about me.

As hard as it is to reason with my ugly but honest human nature, I am working on it. I still struggle with remembering that this is not the life these children chose. It’s not their fault that their parents live 600 miles apart. It’s not their choosing that they have a stepmom as the primary female figure in their life.

They deserve a stepmom who is truly grateful to fulfill their needs. I will be that woman.

And I will remember that this is a unique experience I am living. Though it’s difficult, I am growing. I am becoming a better person because of these circumstances.

What about you? Do you have situations in your life that are forcing you to grow? Is it uncomfortable? How do you cope and ensure your own personal development?

Sarah Tucker is married with five children. She works full-time from home. Her blogs appear on momaha.com every Sunday.

« Mom Blogs

Share